Mistakes helpful people make when speaking to a depressed person

Compassion is love in action, yet sometimes in caring for someone, love isn’t the first thing shown by the words we speak.

Having personally struggled with suicidal depression since childhood, I have learned that while some people mean well, they don’t have the best ability to help a sad person. Sometimes what they said was less than helpful even when the person actually wanted to help me.

“Snap out of it!” If it were possible to suddenly become happier, then depression would not exist. A sudden snapping into normalcy is about the most impossible action for anyone in any abnormal situation. You wouldn’t say “Snap out of it” to someone choking on a piece of food or someone drowning. You would come alongside the distressed person and do something to change the situation. So after carefully examining the situation, what can you do in the situation of the depressed person?

“It’s all in your head.” Well ‘Duh!’ Obviously, you’re pointing at a house fire and telling the fireman what he’s combating. Our mind is the memory bank of our lives. Depression affects the entire body, and yes, it is in the mind. We store bad memories right alongside the good memories. If you delete something on your computer, you’ve only told the machine to store it in a deep file somewhere inaccessible to you but it is still possible to retrieve them with a little work. They never went away. For some people, deleting the bad memories isn’t as difficult as it is to others.

“You need counseling.” You’ve mastered another obvious statement. If you know the person you’re advising then you are probably the best counselor they can have. You’re most likely closer to knowing what the root of the depression is. I’ve discovered through years of receiving professional counseling, that it is having the listening ear of the person that helps me. A listening friend as a sounding board can do that much and it’s less expensive. (That’s not to say professional counseling doesn’t work and if it is going to help, definitely seek it.)

“You need to get out more.” Yes, isolation is bad but a depressed person is in a disconnected state of mind. Placing them among a lot of bustle and hustle of people can enhance the feeling of separation. I called that my glass box. I could see and hear people around me but I had locked myself inside a glass box. Connection was broken, I couldn’t reach out, and they couldn’t help me. Isolation gives the mind abnormal space to chew on abnormal problems and come up with abnormal solutions. A few friends, and a few acts of kindness are a big help depressed people who tend to isolate. And don’t expect an overnight change just because you did something, it could take time and you may need a lot of patience.

“You need medication.” This is a cold statement, especially coming from family or friends. Yes, they very well might need some kind of medication, and while medications are available for helping, medication means drugs. The depressed person may fear what drugs mean or might do, and should only given by doctors after testing and examining the person. For depressed people, taking medication can be difficult to keep track of on their own. To take medication, a person needs supervision from doctors and certainly from a close family member or friend.

“What’s wrong with you?” Another very cold statement. A physical illness, overwhelming circumstances, stress, a great loss, or any number of things could cause it, so how could they tell you what it is while in a depressive state of mind? This does not mean you do not care, but maybe you are not the person to come alongside them. You may have honest intentions to help but quite possibly, you should keep a watch from a distance. Let someone with a compassionate personality be the closer friend. Help from a distance as you can and if you see a need, you can fulfill, step up and perform it.

If you decide you can help the depressed person, please walk carefully. Do not begin to do everything for the depressive person; this could help keep them in their state of mind if they have someone else doing everything for them. Whatever you do, try to do something within your ability. It may be asking them to help you, giving them small responsibilities, or trusting them with something. It could be secretly paying a bill, supplying a meal, or taking care of their child for a few hours. How about asking them if they want to walk in the sunshine, take photographs, or play a game where you can laugh together. All this can happen without you having to mention the illness or their original trouble at all.

And whatever you do, do all with love.

This article is not to be used as professional help.